The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
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(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Cat.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.