*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Dance like you’re not the father
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.