I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
figuring out my emotional availability:
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Beware of fowl play.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?