Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
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unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Had to try this trend 😊
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…