Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?