Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
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If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Cha-ching is my safe word