Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
how was your vacation
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK