The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
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DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
peak technology
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger