exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
You Might Also Like
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Hmm, not sure about this change
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan