All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Cause of death: Zumba
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.