If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
podcasts
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.