Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
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Pizza is an emotion right?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
We have a winner.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.