Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
You Might Also Like
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
how long have you had this for?
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
the clam before the storm
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Cannot stop laughing at this
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Tear gas is the saddest gas.