This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it