At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
You Might Also Like
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
that’s really how it is
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting