“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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Want followers? Tweet something funny.
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Try Facebook.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.