The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Sooo many times…..
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Encore…
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me