[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
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Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off