If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
#gardening
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”