me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.