Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
You Might Also Like
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
next question.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
🙁
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*