*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Beware of fowl play.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?