Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.