Not sure how to cuddle propawly
馃摴 absolute_kaos1 | IG
You Might Also Like
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I created you as mosquito food.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it鈥檚 significantly better now.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I am so desperate for summer I鈥檓 actually looking forward to wasps.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I鈥檓 saving it for later.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Him: I鈥檇 die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let鈥檚 me choke on my own spit.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he鈥檚 just a poor boy from a poor family.