me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty