[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long