How wrong was this guy?
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“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
shut up and take my money
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”