I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.