I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
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Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
can’t catch a break
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.