Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*