[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
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As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
This checks out
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.