The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
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A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My daily affirmation
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!