a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
You Might Also Like
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks