I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
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My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago