*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
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If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.