I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.