If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
one of
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.