Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.