A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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good morning
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
This makes total sense…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.