*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this