Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
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*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
😏😏😏
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Reporter: *ports again*
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.