The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
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What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
As the Lord intended
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry