*updates tinder bio*
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I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.