If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”