The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire