I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
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Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
You learn something every day
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I saw this ending much differently.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.