5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.