*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
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Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
😜