I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
ouch
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.