My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
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Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
secret recipe
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.